Vote Rachel 4 teh G0vern0rrz!'s Journal|
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|Friday, June 8th, 2007|
The Producers: A Review
As a rule, I do not care for Broadway touring companies. They consistently underestimate middle America, don't put forth much effort after show #12
, and are full of actors who don't have the talent to play Dead Man #2
on CSI. However, I enjoyed the recent performance of The Producers
at the Opera House, largely because the sponsor gave me free tickets, and the actor who played Jury Foreman gave such a show-stopping performance.
Everyone else in the play sucked. They were just doing bad imitations of the cast of the more recent The Producers
film. Jury Foreman, though he had only one line, received a standing ovation in the middle of the show. Admittedly, the kind of plebes who go to these shows will stand to cheer for just about anything, but I liked him.
Just look at these lines!Jury Foreman:
Your honor, we find this man incredibly guilty.Judge:
Thank you. I'll consider that matter of legalization that we discussed.
Now, this makes no sense unless you know that Jury Foreman was portrayed by none other than perennial candidate, pot-smoking hippie, and political enemy of rachel4tehg0v
, Gatewood Galbraith.
Give up politics, Gatewood. The gummint doesn't love you the way that your fans do. I'm not saying that you couldn't use your new fame as an actor to promote your pot-smoking hippie agenda--heck, it seems that every actor does that nowadays--but you could get a bigger audience this way. You would make an excellent Dead Man #2
on CSI. In a few years, you could even be Dead Man #1
Leave Kentucky for Hollywood. They need you there, and it's not like anyone except my mom votes for you here. Since I'm running for lieutenant g0vern0rrz, I kinda doubt that she'll vote for you now.
Acting is your future, Gatewood. Embrace it.
|Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007|
sketeers, we now know what we’re up against. El Fletcherino, who was spat out of Hell itself for offending Satan, who birthed him (and who he still loooooooooooooves and misses--Satan’s Boy!), and Steve Beshear, who is a frat boy with a questionable healthcare plan.
To arms, rachel4tehg0v
sketeers! We shall defeat the evil beasties yet!To Do
- Gain more media attention so we can get some groupies already
- Schedule debate
Destroy El Fletcherino’s reputation completed by rachel4tehg0vsketeer Ernie “El Fletcherino” Fletcher
- Actually read the spam Steve Beshear sends us in order to better dismantle his candidacy
- Unveil immigration plan
- Gain ringing endorsements of our economic policy from people other than our moms
- Acquire tour bus to canvass state and gain widespread support--also, wacky adventures
- Invite Beshear and El Fletcherino to our Charity Wiffleball Game
- Mock Beshear and El Fletcherino for showing up to a Charity Wiffleball Game in outfits that were not approved by the Ultimate Wiffleball League
- Come up with good insulting nickname for Beshear, possibly one highlighting his icky comb-over
- Post statements of support from local zombie experts
- Create Rachel 4 teh g0v campaign logo
|Thursday, May 17th, 2007|
Primarily, They Suckzz0rzzz!!
With only 5 days until the primary, we're feeling pretty confident here at Rachel 4 teh g0vern0rrz headquarterrz. After all, being independent, we aren't actually in the primary.
Everyone currently running in the primary sucks. After all, they want you to leave your house on a Tuesday and vote instead of watching daytime television like you want to. We have previously come out in favor of you being able to watch daytime television every day
. No one else has.
Don't vote on May 22nd. Stay home and watch Passions
|Sunday, May 6th, 2007|
|Thursday, May 3rd, 2007|
Rachel's Plan For Derby Day
Too often, Kentucky's signature holiday has been overshadowed by another event. This year, when all good people should be getting drunk on mint juleps and placing bets that will generate tax revenue for Kentucky, many will be drinking beer and listening to mariachi music.
For the sake of the children, this must stop.
Yeah, whatever, the Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico's defeat of France. Haven't we established by now that a kitten with a butter knife could defeat France militarily? The first Saturday in May has been established as the date of the Kentucky Derby for 7,352 years, according to Wikipedia. Cinco de Mayo has only been the fifth of May as long as there's been a Spanish language.
Thus, we propose moving Cinco de Mayo to the second Saturday in May, so it will never conflict with Derby Day. Quoth the Rachel, "Who cares if it means Fifth of May? We can totally celebrate it later. After all, the US never had to win independence from France or whatever."
All eyes should be on Kentucky on the first Saturday in May, not on some pinata, even if it is horse-shaped. Vote Rachel for the g0vern0rrz, and we won't have this problem again until at least 2012.
|Tuesday, May 1st, 2007|
|Thursday, April 26th, 2007|
|Tuesday, April 17th, 2007|
|Friday, April 13th, 2007|
Recent accusations have been hurled that Rachel is not qualified to be teh g0vern0rzz. That snotty guy at the mall insisted that you have to be over the age of 19 to be g0vern0rzz and that I, the loyal campaign manager, am too young to actually vote. This may be true, but we're a campaign for change.
Rachel is an outsider candidate who has actually read The Outsiders
by S.E. Hinton. She did an intensive study of the characters' outsiderness in 7th grade, which she remembers to this day. Being outside has influenced her campaign by providing it with vitamin D from the sun. Rachel's an outsider! In fact, she has never actually been inside the state capitol, opting to blow off those field trips to display her family values by making cookies to fight obesity.
She earned a doctorate in being a doctor from Doctor University in Doctor, Kentucky. She uses her d0ct0r skillz0rzz to diagnose people's ailments over the internet. See? See? She's a doctor, dudes!
Rachel also has impressive skill at dyeing people's hair. If elected, she will totally use this to help Kentucky's sports teams win--especially the Ultimate Wiffleball League.
Also, Rachel has memorized every Simpsons episode, including DVD commentary. She won't preempt the Simpsons reruns on channel 7 to make boring speeches without Simpsons quotes. She cares that much about the commonwealth's entertainment.
Now, do you want a fat cat career politician in the G0vern0rzz M@nsi0n, or a skinny human outsider doctor with awesome hair living there?
Rachel 4 teh g0v!!!!!
|Thursday, April 12th, 2007|
HR 256 and You!
In 2002, Tom Burch of the Kentucky House of Representatives proposed the purchase of the USS Louisville to patrol the waters of the Ohio River to "engage and destroy any casino riverboats" it may encounter. HR 256 stalled on the House floor, but it lives on in the hearts and minds of Kentuckians who wish for its return.
Governor Fletcher has had four years to resurrect this noble plan, but he has done nothing
to bring about a glorious future where nuclear submarines protect the commonwealth.
Other than Rachel, no other gubernatorial candidate has stated an intention to resurrect the resolution. Rachel realizes the need for a landlocked state to have a navy equipped with a nuclear arsenal. She cares about protecting Kentuckians from the unique threats that float on our waters. When she first learned of HR 256, she said, "AW YEAH SUBMARINES BABY!"
No other candidate is this strong on defense. They are wimpy wimpy wimps who fear widdle subbies and scawwy nuclear wars with Ohio. Also, Steve Beshear was in Delta Tau Delta, which is widely acknowledged as the lamest frat at UK. WIMPS! When the chips are down and we're near war with Tennessee, who do you want in charge?
It's time for Kentucky to get its submarine. It's time for change. Rachel 4 teh G0v!!!
|Tuesday, April 10th, 2007|
Rachel's Plan for Obesity
Kentucky has the 6th highest rate of obesity in the United States. Thousands of Kentuckians are at a high risk for disease because of this epidemic.
Eddie the campaign intern speculated, "Wouldn't it be weird if obesity was caused by, like, a pastry deficiency? Then we could all eat donuts and they'd be good for us."
Owing to the fact that Eddie probably passed Health in high school and is thus our health and welfare expert, we've developed an initiative based on his theories. When Rachel is in office, every citizen of the commonwealth will get an assortment of pastries, cuppycakes, cookies, and other assorted baked goods every day.
"Pastries are the ultimate food!" says Candidate Rachel, "We should have pastries at every meal. After all, we Kentuckians need our daily recommended amount of flaky crust and sweet icing!"
Other candidates are shying away from Kentucky's pastry deficiency problem. Ernie Fletcher won't even address it. Jonathan Miller, the spammer, says that cookie cutter candidates are out. Well, Jonny, we firmly disagree. We at the Rachel 4 teh g0vern0rzz campaign are in favor of all cookie paraphernalia, in addition to our support of baked goods in general.
A vote for Rachel is a vote for cuppycakes every day!
|Saturday, April 7th, 2007|
|Friday, April 6th, 2007|
Rachel's Plan for the Workday
According to the source this campaign trusts most for information (Wikipedia)
, many countries take a long midday break. Its origins are in Portugal's sesta
, which became known as a siesta
once adopted by the Spanish. From there, the practice spread to Latin America and the Philippines.
Such diverse areas as China, Italy, India, Greece, the Middle East, and North Africa have an afternoon sleep tradition. (Again, thank you Wikipedia.) It is widely acknowledged on the business news channels that China and India will be taking over the American economy, if Mexican citizens don't get all of our jobs first.
The answer is simple, Kentucky. We must institute a mandatory afternoon rest period if we intend to have an economic edge. Rachel's plan for the Kentucky siesta would require all employers to give their employees a 3 hour break every afternoon. This would free up citizens to recharge for more work by sleeping, spending time with friends, or watching daytime television. These activities are known for relieving stress--which will increase productivity upon the worker's return to the office.
Besides, we at Rachel 4 teh g0vern0rrz Headquarters really need to catch up on our soaps. Passions
is ending soon, and we've got no idea what's going on! Admittedly, we were never all that clear as to what was going on when we did
watch it religiously.
In Rachel's wise words, "What's wrong with enjoying the Martha Stewart Show or Psychiatry TV? Well, apart from the obvious."
A vote for Rachel is a vote for being able to see your favorite daytime TV, even when you're not sick.
Rachel 4 teh g0v!
Stop Spamming Me, Miller!
It seems like every day, I get another email from Jonathan Miller. Frankly, I think the dude's stalking me. Or maybe he just got my email address from those spam-enabling weasels at Congress.org
! At any rate, he's always talking about action in his emails."Elvis Presley sang about the need for 'a little less conversation and a little more action,' something people across the Commonwealth tell me they would certainly like to see when it comes to solving our problems. And that's what Irv Maze and I plan to deliver as Governor and Lt. Governor - action and problem-solving."
Well, Mr. Miller, when Rachel is teh g0vern0rzz, there will be more action in every aspect of life as a citizen of the Commonwealth. Rachel has gone on record as being in favor of nuclear submarines in the Ohio River, a populace armed against the zombies, and children learning valuable chainsaw skills in school. Have you?
No. I checked.
You don't really believe in action at all, do you? You want Kentucky to be like a romantic comedy or something! I bet even you think your hideous sideburns make you look like Elvis. Well, my step-great-grandma was in Girls, Girls, Girls!
with Elvis. I had a seance to contact her, and she says, "I acted with Elvis Presley: I knew Elvis Presley; Elvis Presley was a friend of mine. Kid, that spammer is no Elvis Presley. By the way, if you see the King, tell him that everyone up here is looking for him."
Remove me from your mailing list at once!
|Wednesday, April 4th, 2007|
If the election were held tomorrow, who would you vote for?
Rachel, because of her views on zombies.
Rachel, because she's just plain awesome.
Rachel, because of her stance on education.
Some loser who is too pathetic to be Rachel.
Nobody! Elections are held on Tuesdays in months ending in -vember! Everybody knows that!
Rachel's Plan for Kentucky Prisoners
According to stuff I found on the internet
, Kentucky’s prison population in 2006 was 21,459. This number is expected to rise to 26,209 by 2011, says the Pew Foundation Report thingy I googled. We spend $18,887 of your tax dollars per prisoner each year. Something must be done.
Also, there’s a federal prison out by where I sometimes ride ponies. Do I really need to be worrying about escaped white-collar criminals when I’m trying to get Kermit to jump an oxer?
The Rachel Prison Plan would remove the entire prison population from Kentucky by 2011. Through contracts with corporate interests and the states of Florida and California, in addition to the city of Paris, we will exile all criminals currently in Kentucky prisons to locations out of state. This would remove the unsavory criminal types from the state, and also make those smug weasels at the Pew Foundation eat their words.
Sez Rachel, “I strongly support the use of Disneyland, Disneyworld, EuroDisney, and all other places with ‘Disney’ in the name as prisons. They're all secretly Hell on Earth. I mean, screaming children, food that makes you sick, rides like Space Mountain that fling you around...could it be any more obvious?”
Just think, a few years down the road, Kentucky prisoners could be asked, “Ev0l McFel0n, yyou’ve just murdered a bunch of people and eaten a puppy. How do you plead?”
With terror in his eyes, Ev0l McFel0n would reply, “Guilty. I’m going to Disneyland!”